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For day 18 of the Advent Calendar we joined Darkestnight for the final weekend event of the year. At 14:00 GMT the gang watched the Polar Express and found themselves captured by Tom Hanks and his cast of Tom Hanks, Tom Hanks, and Tom Hanks!


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Released in 2004, this film is a snapshot in time showing off the veritable CGI prowess that had the gang dubbing this film "Uncanny Valley: The Movie". Throughout the film as far as they could notice, only one character was named ("Billy"). To make up for this all characters were to be called "Steve", with an exception for Billy who was dubbed "Garfunkel Häns".

Protagonist Steve finds himself whisked away on the Polar Express after the Train Conductor uses reverse psychology to persuade him onto the train which he had no idea existed, no idea he had a ticket for, and no reason to board other than the Train Conductor tutting at him (a train conductor whose general vibes range from eccentric, to menacing, to grandfatherly). Protagonist Steve in the opening five minutes is established to be unsure if Father Christmas is real, so the Train Conductor tells him this may be his best chance to confirm his suspicions.


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Protagonist Steve meets Girl Steve and Nerd Steve, and eventually Garfunkel Häns who just seems so sad. Christmas just "doesn't work out" for Garfunkel, but a reason is never given why. Through shenanigans, Protagonist Steve loses Girl Steve's ticket. Because of this, Girl Steve is taken away by the Train Conductor to be thrown off onto the tracks, as is "standard procedure" according to Nerd Steve. A bright and chipper individual with a lot of empathy for his fellow Steve.

Protagonist Steve finds the ticket again after it survives an onslaught of wolves, bald eagles, and nature, and makes the valiant effort to stop the terrifying Train Conductor from throwing an innocent Steve off of the train. Along the way he meets the most cockney man alive (or dead, it's unclear if this man is a ghost or not) atop the train.


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The cockney ghost manages to sufficiently confuse and bewilder Protagonist Steve, but does in fact help Protagonist Steve reach the other end of the train where the engineers are. It is here that Protagonist Steve discovers that Girl Steve is alive! She is alive and is now driving the train while the engineers attempt to replace the guiding light at the front of the train.

But disaster strikes, moose on the tracks! The Steves, without any adult supervision, find themselves trying to pull the emergency brake to stop the train from crashing, but Protagonist Steve manages to psych Girl Steve into doubting herself for no apparent reason when it comes to pulling the brake, despite the engineers telling her which lever was in fact the brake. Luckily, Protagonist Steve pulls the correct lever and rectifies the situation he created. The train is safe for now.

A few minutes later, another engineering mishap happens due to a pin falling out of a lever that allows for the control of the acceleration. Both Steves, now accompanied by the Train Conductor, find themselves on the front of the train as the hyper speed train does loop the loops on the hilly tracks. This prompted the viewing gang to feel sick by the motion of the train.

Suddenly the train is on ice with no tracks, and the ice beneath the train cracks magnificently. During this escapade surely every child within the carriages should have been grievously injured or worse, but with the magic of Christmas they all survive. Nerd Steve later proclaims he knew it was all an optical illusion, clever Steve. The Engineers manage to steer the sliding train onto upcoming tracks as well as fixing the lever, and at last there is peace.

On their way back to the train, the children are forced to walk through the creepiest carriage in the world, why did Father Christmas make this carriage?


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Filled with rusting broken toys with the intent to be repurposed and recycled, the Steves walk through it mostly unperturbed. That is until the Cockney Ghost decides to terrorise Protagonist Steve with a creepy china Ebenezer Scrooge puppet as Protagonist Steve doesn't truly believe. Sufficiently traumatised, Protagonist Steve rejoins the many other Steves as they pull into the North Pole.

It should be noted that up to this point there have somehow been at least two musical numbers, which also included tap dancing waiters slinging hot chocolate about the carriages. The bizarreness of the random musical numbers are only matched by the unusual plot pacing, which was described by one of the viewing gang as feeling like multiple insane scenarios written by several people, strung together without much to connect them.

At last arriving at the North Pole, the children leave the train to meet Santa. But poor Garfunkel is too sad to leave the train so Girl Steve and Protagonist Steve try to convince him to see Santa.


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But disaster strikes! The carriage they're on disconnects and the Steves and Garfunkel are sent careening down the tracks to an Elf present sorting facility. Garfunkel finds a present with his name and address on it, and behaves as if he's never received a present before (perhaps he hasn't?). Upon a monitoring screen the Steves see elves checking the naughty and nice list (it's important to be thorough), when suddenly a naughty child is detected. That child.... was Steven.

Steven's innocence up for debate, the elves decide to let it slide on this occasion but to monitor him closely next year. We never see or hear Steven mentioned again after this. The elves have to rush off and leave in a strange transport device which the Steves and Garfunkel also make use of, and find themselves dumped into Santa's present sack. A hand grabs Garfunkel's leg, and it's revealed to be Nerd Steve who somehow wound up there before them despite remaining behind with the other children.

Suddenly, the sack is being lifted into the air, and flown above the Christmas tree in the main plaza. Inexplicably the sack knocks of the trees star, but it is caught by aerial performing stunt elves before it can brutally crush the elves and children below. Once the sack is grounded, the children are made to leave the sack (in Nerd Steve's case he is practically thrown off by the elves who are tired of his know-it-all behaviour). Garfunkel is made to leave his present behind for Santa to deliver later, much to his regret.

At last, Santa arrives, but poor Protagonist Steve can't see him due to the excitement and clamouring of the crowd, nor can he hear the enchanting bells tinkling from the Sleigh. A bell comes flying off from the sleigh, and after shaking the bell and being unable to hear anything Protagonist Steve chooses to believe in Father Christmas. It is then that he can hear the bell, and Father Christmas stands before him, asking him to repeat his belief.

Protagonist Steve returns the bell to Father Christmas and is chosen to receive the first gift of Christmas. What does Protagonist Steve ask Father Christmas for? Why, the bell of course! So the bell is returned to Protagonist Steve, and as quickly as he gains it Protagonist Steve loses the bell by putting it into his ripped dressing gown pocket. Whoops!


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Father Christmas takes off for the long night ahead, and the silent reverie is broken by Elvish cheering. Elf Steven Taylor of Aerosmith is also there performing "Rockin’ on Top of the World" for some reason.


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It is now time for the Steves to return home, as this was apparently the only reason they were brought out here and given magical tickets they had never seen before. The tickets were initially stamped with two letters by the Train Conductor, and as the Steves board the train to return home the Train Conductor finishes stamping the word. Each word relates to a moral lesson each individual Steve was meant to have learned on the journey, with Protagonist Steve's word being "Believe".


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On the train, the Steves crowd round Protagonist Steve asking to see his bell and it is here they learn it's gone. There is no time to search for the Bell, as the train has already set off for home. Dejected, Protagonist Steve accepts he has lost the bell.

The first of the Steves to return home is Garfunkel, where we see him run inside to find the present he saw earlier. He proudly holds it aloft, and the audience never finds out what it was despite him claiming earlier how he had always dreamed of having one of those. Then it's Protagonist Steve turn to go home, and he says goodbye to his new best friends who he will never see again.

It's now morning, and Protagonist Steve is woken by his sister Sarah who was lucky enough to be given an actual name. He rips his dressing gown pocket on the bedpost again just as he did at the start of the movie. Was it all a dream? Did it really all happen? Downstairs Sarah is playing with a beautiful new train when she spots an extra present for Protagonist Steve. Opening it, Protagonist Steve finds the bell, because it'd be too sad for him to have lost the bell forever. Santa found the bell on his sleigh, and in a note advises Protagonist Steve to get his dressing gown fixed.


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Protagonist Steve and Sarah's parents ask to see the bell, but cannot hear the tinkling that Protagonist Steve and Sarah can as they no longer believe in Father Christmas. The film closes with a voiceover of adult Protagonist Steve, also voiced by Tom Hanks, claiming eventually everybody loses the ability to hear the bell... everyone except for him, as he'll always believe.

The general review of this film as given by the viewing gang was that it was weird, visually creepy at times, and there were moments where they weren't sure if it was a horror film or not. To quote one viewer, it was an "acid trip" of a film. But enjoyment was found throughout if only due to the moment by moment dissection of the film by the viewing gang.

And if there was any doubt about the gangs name conventions for the cast, then let the official voice cast listing prove that Sarah and Billy were the ones bestowed with a name.


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To wind down after the movie, Jackbox was played by the gang and a couple of stragglers who joined later on.

Thank you for joining us on this movie summary and review of the Polar Express, there will be more entries to follow as we draw ever closer to Christmas. Unshood for now!


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