Biohazard

At last, we're getting back to these long-running storylines. I like bottle quests, truly I do, but sometimes you really do want to sink your teeth into a longer-form narrative.

Our hook for this quest is Elena, the young lady we rescued from West Ardougne in the Plague City quest. She wants to start analyzing the samples she brought back, to try and find a cure, but there's a problem: the Mourners confiscated a vital piece of equipment while she was imprisoned, and it's still in West Ardougne. No problem, I'll just sneak back in and...

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What? You mean they actually discovered my incredibly stealthy means of breaking the quarantine? Well I'l be damned, they finally found a clue.

Sidenote, and maybe this is a sign that I think entirely too much about horrible things, but why is Elena breathing free air? The Mourners obviously know she escaped, and if they found the tunnel they know it leads to her father's house, which is literally right next door to where she currently is. And we find out in a later quest that King Lathas is in league with the Mourners (hell, we find out in this quest that he knows the plague is fake). So...why haven't they recaptured her?

Nevermind, we need another way into West Ardougne. Elena directs us to Jerico, who lives on the other side of the river and may have a way to get in. He's also making the incredibly bold fashion choice of pairing green checkered pants with no shirt.

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That is a man who's confident in his abs. And deservedly so, I might add; you could grate cheese on those things, damn. Luckily he's not just a pretty torso, and also has a plan for how to get across the wall: he has a friend, Omart, who's going to put up a ladder at the southern end of the wall.

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Really? Because they didn't seem to notice my emerging from a hole in the ground in the middle of a public square, in broad daylight. I'm not exactly concerned they're going to notice a giant ladder leaning against their quarantine wall.

I go over to Omart, who apparently is concerned about this. In a slightly odd refutation of Scale Theory, he's concerned about the proximity of the Mourner's watchtower, and needs me to distract them. How do I do that? He doesn't know, and sends me back to Jerico. *sigh* so begins the biggest frustration with this quest: the backtracking.

So I'm back to Jerico, and he doesn't have any thoughts on how to distract the Mourners. There are a few options I suggest, including waiting for nightfall and sneaking over the top, when they won't see me. Seems like a reasonable plan to me.

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Wait, when did this become a race against the clock? I mean, I get that (as far as they know) there are currently people dying of a plague, and they want to find a cure. But, and not meaning to sound callous here, that ship has sailed. The plague is already a thing, and rushing to find a cure, potentially getting caught and imprisoned in the process, isn't going to help matters. So why, exactly, is there no time?

There's no time to argue! Must distract Mourners. So the plan Jerico eventually agrees to is to use birds. He keeps pigeons, you see, and we can release some of them to distract the guards. Seems reasonable, I guess, so I take a pigeon cage from the back of Jerico's house, go over to the watchtower, and...nothing. I can't figure out how to release the birds. I can open the cage, but they refuse to leave (like all birds). Apparently I can't just shake the cage, either. Omart has no relevant dialogue, and neither does Jerico, so I'm stumped.

To my shame, I return to the wiki for help. Ohh, I was supposed to get birdseed from Jerico's house. Would have been nice to have that signposted even a little bit. Okay, fine. So I get some birdseed, throw it at the watchtower, release the birds, and now Omart will let me cross the wall. In a pleasantly surprising nod to common sense the ladder isn't a permanent fixture, it's just something Omart tosses over for a brief moment so you can climb it. I like that, because as I pointed out in the Plague City post (and also in this one) the alternative is making the Mourners look more than slightly dim.

That being said, we now have two suspicious characters standing on either side of the quarantine wall, looking incredibly suspicious. That's better than the wide-open manhole, but only in the way that being locked up by evil elves for the rest of your natural life is better than being locked up by evil elves for the rest of your natural life, and also sharing your cell with hungry weasels.

But that's the world we live in I guess. Now I'm in West Ardougne, I need to find Elena's distillator. She helpfully told me that it was being kept in Mourner HQ, so that's where I head. Trying to enter gives me the "I need to distract them from their meal" message I got back in Plague City, which I'm assuming is actually relevant now. Not really sure what I'm doing, I bumble around the perimeter until I spot a rotten apple, a gap in the fence, and a bubbling cauldron.

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Ain't I a stinker? I honestly wasn't expecting that to work, but it seems like it did: trying to open the door now reveals that a bunch of Mourners have food poisoning, and are waiting for a doctor. Okay, I can figure this out: I need to impersonate a doctor. How am I going to do that? The only nearby doctor I know is Doctor Orbon, in East Ardougne, but it's been pretty effectively signposted to me that I need to stay within West Ardougne at least until I get the distillator.

(still, I tried it; no dice, his dialogue is still on Sheep Herder).

More wandering around West Ardougne ensues, until I notice a building that contains a nurse and an interactable chest. Aha! Sure enough, searching the chest reveals a doctor's gown. Now I'll be able to infiltrate Mourner HQ.

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My disguise is perfect, they'll never suspect a thing. Shockingly they don't, and I'm able to explore. Going upstairs reveals what looks very much like a confiscated property locker, which is a promising start, but the gate is locked. Talking to a nearby Mourner results in an amusing conversation I didn't screencap, where my incompetence as a doctor is made apparent and the Mourner attacks. Luckily Twoie is OP as shit, and he drops a key that fits the lock on the gate. In due course I've got the distillator and made my escape back to East Ardougne.

Back at Elena, who makes the unusual discovery that her plague sample isn't reacting to any of her reagents. To confirm her results, she sets me two tasks:

  • Acquire more touch paper from the Chemist in Rimmington, and
  • Take the paper, her plague sample, and three additional chemicals to her mentor Guidor, in Varrock, for verification

Yep, just going to carry a bottle of plague around. This seems safe. Off to Rimmington! Good thing there's a lodestone in Port Sarim...

...oh wait, the plague sample disintegrated. Okay, I guess teleporting is out, probably should have foreseen that. Back to Elena for a spare. This time I bank it in Ardougne before teleporting, and then pick it up from the Clan Camp bank.

Talking to the Chemist now. He's closing up, but I'm in a hurry...better tell him that I've got a plague sample that can't wait.

Oh, he's going to take it from me? And now I can't access the dialogue options to get the touch paper?

Guthix-dammit Jagex. Fine, back to Elena again, bank the vial, teleport to Port Sarim, retrieve the vial. Careful not to mention I have a plague sample this time, I get the touch paper from the Chemist. He seems suspicious of me, for some reason.

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Gee, sure would have been nice to get that warning before the dialogue option that forces me to make a round-trip to Ardougne. But now he finally gives me a warning: there's a gate between me and Guidor, and a guard checking for...well, for me actually. They don't know it's me, just that someone's carrying the plague, and trying to go through that checkpoint with all of the vials in my backpack would be a bit of a giveaway. His solution: he has three assistants outside, give them each one vial and it won't look so suspicious. Sounds good to me.

Apparently there was a puzzle here, which I didn't discover until I was fact-checking on the wiki while writing this post. You're supposed to give each assistant a specific vial, otherwise you won't get at least one of them back (for example, if you give the gambler the expensive Ethenea he sells it on the black market). I didn't realize any of this, but gave the right carriers the right vial totally by accident. Yay me!

That done, I head over to Varrock. I figure there must be some trick to getting the plague sample past the guard (surely, if he's looking for the woman carrying a plague sample, he'd be clever enough to actually confiscate the plague sample?) but no, you just go right in. So I did that, picked up the three vials from my compatriots at the pub, and off to see Guidor.

But there's another wrinkle: Guidor is in poor health, and his (very religious) wife is only letting priests in to see him. Okay, this is just the doctor puzzle again, and I happen to know that Thessalia sells priest robes. So I head over there, suit up, and come back.

...and the guard searches me again and confiscates my vials.

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FINE. Fine. Back to Elena again, bank my shit, teleport to Port Sarim, repeat the assistants puzzle, teleport to Varrock, unbank, pass the guard, retrieve my vials, finally get in to see fucking Guidor, who re-runs Elena's experiment. The result?

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Dun dun duuuuuuun. All over bar the shouting now: back to Elena, who sends me to King Lathas, who confirms it: he fabricated the plague in order to contain his brother, Tyras, king of West Ardougne, who has been "corrupted" in some unspecified way by something called "The Dark Lord." The thick plottens!

Quest complete.

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This is an annoying quest because it's very narratively important, but it isn't very good. The amount of pointless backtracking is very annoying, especially in the last third of the quest when I'm trying to get the plague sample to Guidor. I'll grant that I should have realized the guard would confiscate my vials upon re-entry, but even if I hadn't, if you're playing the quest straight the only way to proceed after the conversation with Guidor's wife is to go back to Rimmington before returning to Varrock. The only ways to avoid doing that are:

  • Bring the priest robes with you the first time, which there's no reason to do until you speak to Guidor's wife, or
  • Speak to Guidor's wife before retrieving the vials from the Chemist's assistants, which pre-supposes that you know you'll need to leave and re-enter to get another item

Why am I being punished for not using a walkthrough? That makes no sense to me. At the very least give me the option to stash the vials somewhere near Guidor, so I don't need to re-smuggle them through the gate.

Ugh, whatever. Next quest, please.